It has been exactly A YEAR..

Dear Mark,

Praise be to Jesus!

I wrote to you not to annoy you nor to impress you but to express this thing.
I just remember that It was April 16, 2009, when we decided to do something for ourselves, which created a big impact to our lives, to leave our parents and go away.
And it was April 17 when we met in Marbel.
Well, I just remembered those times, we were so brave to do such thing.
I don't say that it was okay. I know, with the status we have now, those are just past, ugly past.
It has been a year already but the things we did are still here in my heart.
It has been a year already but the memories are still coming back.
I know you hate me now, or let's say, forgotten me.
And you blame me because I was the reason why you didn't took your studies seriously.
That you did something bad to your parents.

I was sorry.
I am sorry.
And I'll be forever sorry.

I didn't mean to ruin your life. And mine, too.
I didn't mean to be loved so much by you.

Well, thank you so much for all the memories you shared.
The things that has happened to me because of you, changed me, made me stronger.

But still, I miss you badly and I'm still thinking about you.
Yet, I'm done crying.
A little more time and I'll be totally over the pain.

Thanks for reading this.
Happy 634th day of knowing each other.
John Mark Aparri Pon has been residing in my heart for 1 year, 8 months, and 26 days.

You take care, God bless you.

too late..

We have arrived at 7 o'clock in the evening; I and my boyfriend Harry were so tired. Before he left, we had our conversation.

“Harry, what do you think, did we make the children in the church happy?” I asked.

“Of course we did ash. Actually, I enjoyed it too. After how many years of being there for them, we loved them with all our hearts. It feels so good to have them as our own, if we can only afford it.” He answered.

“Yeah, right.” I said with a smile on my face, “Anyway, I loved the way you tell stories to them. Oh, God, I am so happy.”

He touched my cheeks and looked at me so tenderly. Then, he smiled.

“But I will be most happy if I would have you as my wife, Ash.” He said.

I blushed, and hugged him.

“Honey, what time is it?” I asked him.

“I know, I know, time to go home.”

“Got it. Haha.”

“I love you?..” He was waiting for my answer.

“I love you too, Harry. Let’s take a rest, I’m so tired.” I smiled.

“Good night, you take care, okay?”

“I will, honey, you too.”

And we departed.

“KRINGGGGG… KRINGGGGG..”

I woke up but still unconscious. I got the alarm clock and looked at the time.

“Six o’clock? It’s so early. Oh my God, Harry. He re-set it..”

I stood up and took a bath, it’s Monday. So I need to be early for school. A teacher should be always earlier that her students, I always reminded myself of that.

It was 12 o’clock in the afternoon. I decided to have a walk in the school’s baseball field. I always want to have a quiet time for God, so I sat down and looked at the wide and empty field. Then, I prayed.

After opening my eyes, I saw a man standing not so far from my location. I was curious because it seemed that he is in deep thinking. I slowly came near him. He’s not aware that I was there. I couldn’t see his face because he’s not facing at me. After minutes of staring at him, I asked with the tone of curiosity.

“Are you okay?”

And he turned back.

Everything went dark and I stunned on my feet when our eyes met. My heart was beating so fast. And I can also see in his face the amazement and shock. I didn’t know what to utter first. I was completely smashed by my emotions. Then, a I heard a voice that woke me up from being stunned.

“How have you been?” The man asked.

“I-I am f-fine, how about you?”

He looked at me differently and I noticed some tiny drops of tears falling from his eyes. My emotions started to burst inside me. And I can feel my eyes going wet. No way, I should not weep, so I held it and asked.

“What are you doing here?”

He wiped his tears simply and answered me with a hug.

“I missed you so much, part.”

I couldn’t hold my tears anymore so I started to sob. And I hugged him too.

“I miss you too, part..”

But suddenly, a force coming from my body made me to push him away.

“What are you doing?”

“I searched for you anywhere, part. And I knew from papa that you work here. Look at you, you are successful now.” He answered.

“Why? You didn’t continue your schooling?”

“I did, after four years if being a bum; I decided to come back to MSU to start again. You know what? I thought I would see you there.”

“Okay, but anyway, why are you here?”

“I want to talk to you and tell you that I am so sorry for what I’ve done to you. I’ve regretted it. I missed the way you hug, the way you kiss and even the way you love me. I miss the whole you.”

 “But it can’t be, how about Shem?”

“We didn’t last. I realized that I love you really and I was wrong to find someone new and I thought someone better. But she’s not.”

“Why are you doing this?”

‘I want you back.” He continued.

I was feeling mixed emotions that moment. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say and how to say that I hated him for breaking my heart long ago. I waned to slap him but I also wanted to hug him. Bu then, my phone vibrated, it was a call. So I picked it up.

“Honey, are you busy tonight?” Harry said.

“Ahm, no I’m not. Why?” I answered while looking at Mark. I saw him looking downward. It was so obvious that he was hurt.

“Mom will cook a dinner for us; she wants to have you at the house after your class. Please do come? Please?” He said with a soft and convincing voice. It made me smile.

“Yes Harry, I will. Uhm, I need to put the phone down, I have something to finish up here, okay?”

“I love you, honey..”

I answered with, “I love you too..” and put the phone down.

Mark became so quiet and he couldn’t even look at me. His eyes were teary and he’s getting red.

“I am so sorry, I need to go.” I said. And I turned back. But..

“Do you still love me too? Tell me honestly..”

“You sounded like me..”

“Answer me, do you still love me?”

“Honestly? Yes.. it never faded.” I sighed. “I need to go..”

“I want you back..” He said.

Upon hearing that, my tears fell down. And I faced him and said..

“You had the chance to have me back, four years ago. I begged for you. I suffered and sacrificed for you. But still, you broke my heart.”

“Please give me another chance to make it up to you?’

“Did you give me a last chance to correct the mistakes I made? Did you consider waiting for three months for me to move-on first before finding a new? Do you know how much pain you brought me?”

“I am sorry..”

“I forgave you already, but I have forgotten you too. It’s too late; Harry is waiting for me already. Good-bye.” And I turned back again.

“But I love you..” He said with a soft voice.

I heard it but I continued to walk straight. When I looked back, he’s walking away. Ans he looked back too. He was crying.

I smiled at waved my hand biding goodbye.

But I whispered, “I love you too..”

Then..

“KRRRRINGGGGGG…”

I opened my eyes. And I saw Harry’s face at the door. Smiling and holding my alarm clock.

“Good morning honey, get up..”

I stood up and looked at my pillows. They are wet, my eyes too.

“Why are you crying baby? Did you have a bad dream last night?” Harry asked.

I said, “Bad dream? Maybe..”

“Why?”

‘Because it was just a dream’, I told myself.

“Nothing.”

BRAND NEW GUY: NO WAY !

Year 2009 has been so tough for me, almost all heartaches, problems and stressful stories are written here.

But not all..

Right after the MASH CHRONICLES, there came another guy. I've known him through texting. The story was, i wrote here that mark has found a new girl, and it was so freaking painful to me. After our last talk, I went to a friend's boarding house to enjoy myself and divert the pain. I asked her what to do. She gave me the number of her ex-suitor. So, because I wanna really have fun, I asked the number's owner to be my friend. And we became friends. Then, while we're on the middle of our texting, he asked me to help him know Jesus Christ. I got interested so without any hesitations, I asked him to meet me. We met at our campus. I was wearing yellow blouse and he's wearing a green jacket. I took the opportunity to share the Word of God to him and I've got him interested.

Then, we continued our meetings and texting. Until such time that we had our special bonding together. Like star gazing and malling. My plan was plainly discipleship but he has a different motive. That was to become my boyfriend. His name is Kenneth. One time, we shared each other's stories, I told him my past with Mark, almost everything. And he told me his. That he has a girlfriend, a nagger one, that he wants to take off his life and start another. You know, I cried so much when I told him my story and he was there to comfort me. After that, he never left me alone.

Until we became closer and closer. One time, we went to a beach here in GenSan and we had so much fun. And he confessed to me his feelings for me, he said he likes me and he wants me to be his boyfriend. But, he also told me that I should realize that he is Ken, not Mark. He said, I am seeking Mark from him. Anyway, my answer was YES.

Before I left GenSan for the Christmas Holiday, we were together, I was so happy while spending the night with him in Plaza. We did nothing but talk and talk and talk and eat. Haha. SWEAR!

But when I got home, a problem arose, his girlfriend and I had conflicts. Until such time that I broke up with Ken. Now, they are together again, because I gave way.

One thing I learned from my 10-days relationship with Ken is not to seek other's presence from a person, I should have accepted him as he was.

But I don't regret anything. I gained a friend after-all, his girlfriend, Crys.

Actually, this is a bit long story but it's getting late so I need to rest. I have a goal to attain. So, that's all, goodnight!

MINE to HERS

 I am totally broken..

 This time, I don't know what to do. I wanna cry, I wanna scream.. I even want to kill myself.. But oooopppsss.. Before that, I wanna state the story first so that you may understand why I am behaving this way..

He said he wanted a break, a rest. So I did. After our break-up, though I tried my very best to save our relationship, I gave him enough time and space so he can have refreshments and forgive me after that.

But that is not what has happened. One time, one morning, I was very shocked when I have received a text from an unknown number. I was prepared to go to school that time. The text said that I was the reason why their family were fighting. I reviewed the text message once again, and I found out, it came from him. I was totally freaked out so I decided to call him.. and i did.. I told him that I didn't do anything.. and he said, "Fine, from now on, don't contact me and my parents.." and he hung the phone. I cried and cried after that, I can't admit that he said those words to me, knowing that he's been so sweet..

After, I went to school and I was late. But I still entered our room at the middle of the class.

Then, when the lecture ended, I went to my sister's house to visit my niece. And then, he texted me saying, "Call please.." Worried about what happened to him, I did call. I noticed that he cried before I called.. obvious to his voice.. then, the call ended.. what he told me was he's sorry for his misbehavior, and i said it's fine..

I texted him if what is the reason why he's crying.. u now, i thought we're going to be fine until he said that we're just friends.. it's fine though it hurts a bit.. I insisted to call him again, and I did..

U know what? I asked him if he has someone new, and he said, "HONESTLY? YES."

'GUMUHO ang MUNDO ko..'

I couldn't believe it. That very moment, I want to bang my head on the concrete wall. And I did.. I wasn't contented, so I punched the wall. It was very very painful. And he said, "SORRY.".. and I asked him why.. he won't answer.. I asked if he loves her, he wont answer..

Three months..

I was asking for atleast three months to move-on before finding someone new.. I can't really understand why he did it to me.. I know I got a mistake but I was so so so so sorry for it.. My heart was bleeding, crying for help.. but nobody was there to help me but my sister whom I hugged.

IT HURT A LOT..

and IT STILL HURTING..

How can he do this me? Why that easy? After all the things we did for each other?

But, what comforts me a lot is the thought that when God takes something special from u, surely he will replace someone better.. the God's Will.. but it still hurts.. it became insanely painful when I saw his friendster, he changed his password, primary pictures, erased our album, and the details about himself? He changed the names into SHEM, which was previously mine. PAINFUL, isn't it? He is cruel.

Anyway, I can do nothing about it. He's over me. No matter how I cry, It won't affect him. What I can do now is to trust the Lord for his plan is always the best for me.

For him?..

PART, until now I am bearing the pain, I have forgiven u but I would never ever forget what you did to me.. when I move-on, let's talk.. I now someday, I will be coming there.. I will make sure that there is pain no more.. but lastly, i hope that u will find ur happiness to her, the permanent one..

Until here..

GOD, HELP ME PLEASE..

He's GONE..

HE IS GONE.

This guy with me in the picture is the first man I loved so much with all of my life. I loved him really and I still love him. That is why until now, I can't move-on. It hurts, so much to think that all of those things that we did for each other are gone. I did everything for him. We had our best and worst times together. I know him already, from inside and out. He's a kind of person that is really really hard to love but you will love to love him, especially when he loves you. Because when he does, he does everything for you. He doesn't think about himself, but about me all the time. I miss those moments that he was sleeping in my legs with his arms around my waist, staring at me while smiling and saying that he loves me so much. I miss those times that we eat our meals together and despite of all the trials of life, we can still laugh at the corner; never stop on making other feel how valuable he/she is. The time when he wore the ring on me while uttering the words, "I LOVE YOU". These words? They keep on whispering my ears, never refrained from making me long for him more and more.He was a funny kind of guy that though he's not talkative, you will enjoy his company. He loved me so much, I felt that. He always told me that he doesn't want to lose me and it's going to kill him. He did everything that could make me happy. From material to actual things, he was so sweet. He wanted to hold my hands always, when he held my hands, it was so tight that I can't even remove my hands from his. He didn't care if somebody sees us, if he wants to hug me; he does it sweetly and so tenderly. Even his parents did love me, they all showed me that they love me and they are always willing to help me. I was so happy, it was so perfect... 
Until now...
It's like a good dream that when I wake up, everything is so different yet the feeling is still there. Yes, I still love him so so so much! Our break up was the start of these miserable things that had happened to me. I still miss him and his memories. I think, those will remain in my heart forever because I will forever love him... maybe, though this time, maybe, he loves somebody else already.. Ouch, but, it's all my fault... i gave up, i didn't fight for him... i regret it... 
Part, mahal ko? Mahal parin talaga kita, I still love you and I miss you so much. Thanks for the moments you've shared with me, you became the most important person in my life and until now, you are still very important to me. You will always be my ONE and ONLY LOVE. I promised to love you forever, so I will love you forever... GOODBYE!

I couldn't hold, my tears now, I want to cry out loud. If only I could do that. I have nothing to say anymore, but two words: IT HURTS.

Cool off or Call off?

Whatever! It's not the main idea of what I am going to write now. Anyway, I miss you all. It's been a while since I opened my account and wrote my nonsense life here. Haha!

Speaking about 'nonsense', hmm. Maybe it is really a nonsense thing to start this blog with an emotional words. Like: OUCH! IT HURTS! HE's GONE! I LET HIM GO! And etchetera. NONSENSE! O.A.. right? But, ehemm. There are true.

To start with, I thank the man who hooked my heart for making me love him so much.

(IN TAGLISH ONLY, nahihirapan na akong mag-english)

Ganito kasi yan, one time, nagplan kaming magtexting the day after, at exactly 9:00am, dapat unli na kami. So, kinabukasan, well-prepared na talaga ako, (ako pa!!) but he was not. I wondered kung bakit past nine na, di pa xia nagtetext, so I called him using the *110 promo. And I found out that hindi pa pala xia nakapagload, medyo nainis ako.Nagstart nang magboil ang dugo ko. But he said na wait lang daw ako. Eh ang ako, dahil nainis na, hindi na nakapaghintay, I became a nagging gf. Ganun, nagalit xia. But before that, ako muna nagload sakanya kasi sabi niya di muna xia makapagload kasi wala ang parents niya. Then, ayun na. Nag-away na talaga kami. Umandar yung pagiging bossy niya at ako naman, yung pagiging nagger ko.

Hahai, dumating sa issue ng kwentahan, actually it's my fault. Accidentally, nasabihan ko xia sa text na, "AKO NAGLOAD SAU AH, DI KA BA NAHIYA SAKIN?", so lumabas na kinuwentahan ko xia sa lahat ng tulong ko. Nasaktan xia, nagalit. At di ko na talaga siya napigilan sa pag-burst out. Di na niya sinasagot tawag at texts ko that day. Ayoko ko talaga ng ganyan. So, nangulit ako, tapos ayun, palpak lahat2. Then, dumating ung time na depressed na talaga ako maxado, iyak ako ng iyak ng iyak. Sabi ko, magpapakamatay ko, infact, I meant it that moment. Alam niyo ba kung anong response niya? Tumahimik daw ako kasi O.A na daw ako, nasaktan ako maxado kaya nagdecide ako agad na tapusin na ung relationship namin, naputol pa talaga ung tawag. Before natapos ung call, cnabi ko sa kanya na hindi xia deserving at marami pa. Ayun, naubos na pera ko sa kaloload at napuputol lang. Ung iba, di niya sinasagot.

Yun na ang simula ng lahat, di na xia kumokontak sakin, di niya rin sinasagot tawag ko. Hanggang sa sabi niya, rest muna daw kami kasi pagod na daw xia. Maxado akong nasaktan. Every word he said, nasaktan ako. Sobrang sakit. Kaya yun na.. Hanggang ngayon, di pa talaga kami nagkabalikan. Maxadong naging miserable ung everyday ko. But he's there whenever I need him, tumtawag ako sakanya. Yun nga lang, wala ng sweet words. Hahai..

Lord, sana maayos na to.. Mahal ko pa kasi siya talaga..

Sa nakabasa nito.. Whatever your reaction is, I dont care.. Kaya nga blog ko to ehh.. Well, salamat naang sa effort.. Wag niyo gagayahin ginawa ko ha?? BAD yan..

PAALAM!!

MISSING HIM

I'm missing him badly. I am always like this, seeking for his comfort. Gosh! My heart's empty right now and he's the one it's waiting. I miss Mark so much. I miss the way he smiles at me, the way he touch my face, fix my hair, the way he talks to me, the way he walks, the things he does for me, like, coming over to my boarding house and wake me up, and we'll eat together, go to school together, hanging-out, shopping, playing, dancing.. EVERYTHING! And I don't know what to do. I don't want to call him because I think maybe it's time for him to do his part. But, until when shall I wait? It hurts. I hope he'll care to text or call me. He doesn't know how much I crave for his presence. I miss you part, please come back?!

One-Four-Three-Two-Four

Since the day I met you, part;
And the day you became mine.
I already needed you as you are,
And let you love me as I am.

I know from the moment I hugged you.

That this feeling will choose to do
Do everything to have Cupid’s bow
Struck in your heart to love me too.

I already wrote several poems,
Words for you are seen in my room,
Shirt with our name was worn,
And those useless pasts were already torn.

You became my boyfriend and a best friend.

Whenever I needed you, you are suddenly there,
And treated my heart that's broken in despair.
You promised to be with me until the end.

Those days that we're still together?

My love was shown through my laughter.
Though pain were expressed by tears,
I know this love will never quit.

Though we also had our hard times,

In fact you and I intended to lie.
We've let ourselves go into a fight.
But after, take place the sweetness and smile.

Part, I thank you so..

For making me happy when I was blue.
And for doing everything I ask you,
For pleasing me always though you already do.

But like a fairytale, i think this is it.

In the challenge for us that life gave,
We have to be stronger than we'll ever be,
To surpass these trials of our elusive dreams.

My friend, my dad, my love;

You are the best that I have.
Go for gold, do a good job.
For me, for us, i know you can do that.

This poem was written for you to see,

That you are the best guy for me.
In the name of love, I want you to believe;
That I LOVE YOU SO, YOU ONLY!

Letter For My Love

My Everdearest Mark,

I was very incomplete until I knew you, i became very different since i've met you, and i am totally happy since i had you.

Having you in my life wasn't so easy for me for i knew that somebody was owning your heart and mine too. But, I thank God because He made a way to let us fall for each other and we did. Part? You were one of my closest friend, the sweetest actually. You've showed me things that really touched my heart and became the reason why i found myself in a corner longing to have you as mine. MINE.

You don't know part how happy i was the day we became lovers, i was very excited to go to school because of you. PLUS! Gosh, i couldn't stop falling for you more and more!! You are so easy to love. You hooked me. CONGRATS! Haha..

Remember the first monthsary of ours? First, we went to Maharlika with your relatives and after went to the city to attend our Chanting practice but we only brought P100 and we ended up in a wrong place? That was so fun. We had our bondings together. Talked about ourselves and became closer than ever.

I am not really sure if it was our 2nd or 3rd monthsary when we went above the H-building and spent the day there? We brought foods just like we always do. PICNIC here, PICNIC there.

One of the sweetest thing i can eally remember is when you gave me a ring on our 4th monthsary. The proposal was so sweet and you know already that until now, the ring is still on my finger, never taken since the day you put it on.

We had lots of memories to cherish, right? The time we argued about 'disco' then after, we danced, just two of us then you didn't notice that you already cried? Hmm. Remember when we planned to get married at my age of 18? You were so dedicated, are you still now, part? RIGHT!!! Haha.. the shopaholic partner, that's us! We really thought we are the owner of the KCC Supermarket, we stroll and stroll and acted like we awere rich and will buy all of the products. But, hmpp!! We once bought a box of delatas. We planned to consume it within a month and we survived, even though there are times that we suffered. But still, there we were, laughing in a corner. Seemed to be no problem at all.

Hahaiii..

You know part? You are the greatest person i've ever known, aside from my family. You did LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of things just for me. You humbled yourself and offered me everything i want and need. I can't really forget how you satisfied yourself by eating only burger and coke while me? HAHA. I had all the foods, sundaes, spag, fries and etc.. that was so so sweet of you part..

And until now, I can't keep on falling inlove for you each day and i will never ever get you out of my life.. You are the one i am asking God for me..

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH part and THANK U, THANK U, THANK U for EVERYTHING, part...

HAPPY 14th MONTHSARY!!!!

Love,

asrah

Life in MSU..

The year was 2008 when I first stepped on MSU campus. My mama were here because she enrolled me and my brother Von at the school. First impression? Whoooaahhh!! I kept on saying,"This is some campus, so huge!" and also, like everyone's, this school is dusty and hot. But, since it's one of my dreams, to go to GENSAN, it didn't annoy me. I enjoyed it.

June 2 was the very first class here, my first subject was P.E. So i went to the gym but i did'nt know where i would go. I saw no rooms there, never thought that the gym itself is the class room. So what did i do? Simple, i dialled my bro's number then called him, "Kuya, dali ba, damu tana alagyan dire ah, di ko bal-an kung diin magkadto, tudlue ko ayh.." with matching crying-like voice. Minutes after, my bro was already there and pointed the way to my next room. I was really amazed with the roads i was taking, the rooms are separated and so far from each other. I got gallons and gallons of sweat, though i am not really sweaty.

Hmm.. I also met friends here, one was Charity and she was so sweet, we were always alone those times until the time that the gang became large and she was left out, i did'nt notice it. It was so terrible. The, there exist the The Egglets, me, petit and gaylord. The friendship was really fun, they helped me forget my past relationship with my ex, he was a mess, he's hurt me so muchbut thanks to them, i had forgotten him.

And of course, i will never end this blog up without telling the climax of the stor. Here in MSU, i found the guy i am loving now. He belongs to the friendship that grew in time.He was the only one who gave me a gift, specifically, a card on my 16th birthday. I was touched. He became my counselor and my sweetest friend. And until such time that LOVE between us existed. I can never forget the time when we had our confession to each other. I told him that i had a crush on him and do u know what did he tell me? He told me,"I think I love you.." but after, he clarified it, he said, "No, I really love you..".That happened at the Camanay. Hahaii.. But it wan not theday when we decided to create a realationship different and more special that what we had before that.And that happened on the day after that day. Hehe. Do you know how it happened? Actually, the day before, our talk ended without clarifying what was going between us, and he said, "Let's talk tomorrow.."..

My heart was shouting with joy. That time? I already loved him. But we both have our lovers still. Butthat night, he ended his relationship with his gf and mine? It was already done. So, after our second prelim exam on our math 17, we talked. He came with me up to the front of our house, then he asked me, "Is it okay with you to be my girlfriend.." That was really ENGLISH. I didn't know how to answer him. So what i did was to bring him infront of my ate and her bf and introduced him to them. After, he asked me, "what's ur decision?".. And i answered, "wasn't it a YES??".. And he smiled so beatifully.. I could see the joy inside him. He didn't know what to do, to hug me or not. But what was unforgettable there was the smile I saw on his face.

I told him not to inform anybody, but the day after, i was shocked when everybody asked me, "kamo na ni PON?"..

BLUSSSHHHHH!!!

Actually, if i need to tell you all the things happened to me here,i think i would spend much time to encode.

That's until now.. hope u enjoyed it!!

Him or him?

My life turned around him.

He was my all.

I've given all i can give.

But, I'm left no choice but to let him go.

From the moment I have accepted Christ as my Personal Savior, I had the desire to grow up, to be mature in my spiritual life. I struggled so hard, I tried my best. And now, I have what I have desired. I am now a good messenger of Christ.

I loved him so much. I did all the things he told me to do. Sometimes, unreasonable but still I tried. I sacrificed a lot of things for him. Now that we're apart, we have been like dogs and cats, we always have conflict. I always cry. He became CRUEL.

HE loved me. HE has given me all I wanted. Protected me and my family. Healed my heart every time I'm hurt and most of all, HE gave me the chance to be what I really want, an Evangelist.

He never supported my desire to grow up in Christ. He forbade me to go to our ministry and to come with my friends to a bible study. He became my reason to sin. He's a hindrance, not an inspiration to my want to become what HE wants me to be.

Which shall I prefer? Whom shall I give my heart and LIFE?

To him that gives me a temporary happiness and permanent and endless tears or to HIM Who is the real source of my true joy and my heart healer, the One who really cares..

WHO??

Obviously, HIM, GOD..

I know it's too hard but I have to, and I know that HE knows the best for me..

My Boyfriend Is Forgetting Me

It hurts.
So much.

I opened my gmail account and i received a message from Mark's father and a message from his mother. I was excited upon reading it, they were so sweet. I felt like I am very special for them. They always say they love me and always willing to help me whenever i need them.

But.

I read from his father's message that they were with Mark on the internet cafe. I was really hurt. I feel like something has struck my heart. And my smile suddenly disappeared from my face. I hate to think of it. He has forgotten to send me a message via e-mail. Or better call it, he NEVER sent me an e-mail. What does that mean? What did he do on the internet cafe? Chatting? Surfing on the friendster? For whom? For what?

Something is really strange. Maybe he's over me and tired of me. Maybe he's not interested in sending me an e-mail or it might be, he doesn't love me no more.

OUCH!!
So painful.

I still love him. Though I sot a bit tired of us. But it's not my fault, I was just over with those crying days. However, he promised to come back here for me. But that's two months from now, and maybe next year. On this situation of ours, will we reach those times and we're still on? I can. But, can he?

I'm puzzled.
I want to talk to him.
But that's going to be so hard. He has no cellphone. But who cares? If he wants to communicate with me, he will find way to reach me. And he's not making a way.

OUCH again!!

Anyway, I'll let God control my life. I will just let His Will be done. Even though I am hurt now, the time will come that i'll be totally happy again.

How We Celebrated Our 13th Monthsary

Last night, it was already 11:30 when i slept because i was preparing the message i am going to send to him, and it was successful. I prayed then slept.

There was like a bomb that woke me up this morning. I suddenly got up and checked my cellphone if ever he texted me first, but i failed. Still, i sent the message i prepared last night and i followed it up with an instruction about our activities this day, i said: "by 12, u'll be receiving P10 worth of load and register after by texting 10 to 258.." not just that, "i love you very much, part.." ended the message.

I took a bath so early because we are going to church and we had to fetch my ate ayza to go with us. I was so happy that time because I really felt God's grace inside me, until afternoon, i was reading the book "Book of Hope" which is about Jesus' Story and other advices, when he texted me that we can already have our chatting which we planned for few days already. And i went to an internet cafe' and logged in, i prayed just right before we started. But the internet access in the internet cafe' he was in was logging and my tempered bursted up! I got angry. I logged out and called him, i scolded at him and found his phone unattended everytime i try to call. Until this very time, i can't contact him. It hurts me so much.

I wonder very much..

What is happening to us?

Are we fading away?

If yes, this will be my third heartache, the same reason: distant relationship..

i warned myself about this one but i couldn't avoid falling for him. However, I still hope for him, I know God has plans, He's my only hope.. Because I know, He wants the best for me..